Tuesday, August 13, 2002
I am sitting here right now, supposedly working on my theater resume and cover letter, but I got bored.
Kelly and Rita are watching an Oscar nominated movie called Amelie. IN FACT!
They just yelled at me saying the following: "VIVA LA FRANCE! YOU MAKING ME MISS THIS MOVIE!"
Ok, Rita said that. Not Kelly. But Kelly loved that Rita said it...I just know it! (picture me with a "curses" face on)
I just can't stop interrupting. They are watching a good movie and I want to watch a good movie. But work comes before play, AND the movie is in English subtitles, so I sit here and putter away until I go to bed. Which is soon, cuz Paul and I have to talk tonight. Things are getting a lit-tle out of hand at this point.
He is obsessed.
He thinks I am going to break up with him, so suddenly he is calling all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean, he called tonight at 5:50pm to "make sure that I got home alright."
Um.
It's weird to me and actually, this time it's not working.
My brain is in overdrive and I can't sort shit out. I feel confused. I NEVER feel confused. I am a man of action. I always have a plan. I even schedule every moment of my evenings, minute by minute.
Ask Rita.
So I don't know what I think right now.
What I do know is that:
1) I need to hook up with some big men and soon. Did I say fucking soon? cuz I mean like now. While you are reading this.
2) I am really going to jump into this acting thing, and although Paul supports it now, I know for a fact that he won't support it when it takes off. He is a jealous person by heart and it does factor into our relationship. Quite often.
I won't have time and he won't accept that. No matter he says, he will hate me if we break up after he moves to NYC. And now?...of ALL things...he is moving here for him! He wants to live here. But NO he doesn't. I can say "Don't move here." and he still will. I convinced him to convince himself, or will this work, or will, SDKFHJO:ISDIHJFLEIJFS ---------it's driving me fucking mad.
Shit.
I wanted him here so bad for so long and now it's the reality.
I am still in love with him. I feel it.
But I also feel extreme doubt. Which, to be honest, I go through alot. About every 6 months. We just got back together in December. So this would be our 8th month that I got a little itchy. Commitment and me = garbage.
I gotta figure out a way to get through this. I am no where near the place right now in which I would want to break up with him.
It's just all becoming so real, so fast.
Wow everyone. I really do have a boyfriend. Look he lives in the same city that I do!
uh....
what?
So much is changing.
SO MUCH IS CHANGING!
Sometimes I wish I was one of those lucky, ply-wood personality people (stacey), that just went through their life like it was smooth and easy. Then I wouldn't know that my life is changing.
I analyze too much. My brain, as is yours if you are reading this, is fucked up. Too much. Always too much!
So I need to relax. I need to write in this journal for therapy (thus having the luxury to explain myself to all of my friends without really saying it...), pray more, and let it go. It all happens the same way anyhow.
Craziness.
Goodnight.
I am worn the fuck out.
Kelly and Rita are watching an Oscar nominated movie called Amelie. IN FACT!
They just yelled at me saying the following: "VIVA LA FRANCE! YOU MAKING ME MISS THIS MOVIE!"
Ok, Rita said that. Not Kelly. But Kelly loved that Rita said it...I just know it! (picture me with a "curses" face on)
I just can't stop interrupting. They are watching a good movie and I want to watch a good movie. But work comes before play, AND the movie is in English subtitles, so I sit here and putter away until I go to bed. Which is soon, cuz Paul and I have to talk tonight. Things are getting a lit-tle out of hand at this point.
He is obsessed.
He thinks I am going to break up with him, so suddenly he is calling all the time. And when I say all the time, I mean, he called tonight at 5:50pm to "make sure that I got home alright."
Um.
It's weird to me and actually, this time it's not working.
My brain is in overdrive and I can't sort shit out. I feel confused. I NEVER feel confused. I am a man of action. I always have a plan. I even schedule every moment of my evenings, minute by minute.
Ask Rita.
So I don't know what I think right now.
What I do know is that:
1) I need to hook up with some big men and soon. Did I say fucking soon? cuz I mean like now. While you are reading this.
2) I am really going to jump into this acting thing, and although Paul supports it now, I know for a fact that he won't support it when it takes off. He is a jealous person by heart and it does factor into our relationship. Quite often.
I won't have time and he won't accept that. No matter he says, he will hate me if we break up after he moves to NYC. And now?...of ALL things...he is moving here for him! He wants to live here. But NO he doesn't. I can say "Don't move here." and he still will. I convinced him to convince himself, or will this work, or will, SDKFHJO:ISDIHJFLEIJFS ---------it's driving me fucking mad.
Shit.
I wanted him here so bad for so long and now it's the reality.
I am still in love with him. I feel it.
But I also feel extreme doubt. Which, to be honest, I go through alot. About every 6 months. We just got back together in December. So this would be our 8th month that I got a little itchy. Commitment and me = garbage.
I gotta figure out a way to get through this. I am no where near the place right now in which I would want to break up with him.
It's just all becoming so real, so fast.
Wow everyone. I really do have a boyfriend. Look he lives in the same city that I do!
uh....
what?
So much is changing.
SO MUCH IS CHANGING!
Sometimes I wish I was one of those lucky, ply-wood personality people (stacey), that just went through their life like it was smooth and easy. Then I wouldn't know that my life is changing.
I analyze too much. My brain, as is yours if you are reading this, is fucked up. Too much. Always too much!
So I need to relax. I need to write in this journal for therapy (thus having the luxury to explain myself to all of my friends without really saying it...), pray more, and let it go. It all happens the same way anyhow.
Craziness.
Goodnight.
I am worn the fuck out.
